Have you ever awakened in a strange foreign country and spent three months hitchhiking by boat, plane, and car to get back home?
…Really? Well, neither have I. But I know this one guy who has. And he and I both know this one girl who thinks she has, but really she hasn’t. She’s one of those people who will say they’ve done something just because someone else says they did. Some people…
“Man, I got mauled by a bear this weekend while skiing.”
“Oh really? Me too!”
…But anyways, all idiots aside, I really do know someone who woke up one day and found himself in Finland and had to hitchhike across Finland until he found a small airport, from which he hijacked a small business jet and flew all the way to a remote island in the Caribbean, where he managed to find a small vessel, which he sailed all the way to the Gulf Coast of Mexico, where he found a simple goat herder to transport him to the border, and from there he bussed his way to his home on 37 Pinetree Court, Ypsilanti, Michigan, just across the street from where I live. We were neighbors, Sam and I.
When he returned home, he told the first person he saw—his mother—what had happened, but she was so busy watching the Game Show Network that she didn’t even notice he had returned, let alone noticing his disappearance in the first place. In her mind, the host of Family Feud was saying, “…And our next family, just returning from a crazy hitchhiking trip from
But that was just in her mind. And the other things in her mind were just as screwed up as the Imyourson Family would be. They could be nice people though, who knows. Anyways, her actual son, Sam, upon realizing that his mother was screwed up and way too engrossed in what 100 Americans thought was the number one type of hamburger topping, left his house and came straight to my house across the street, where I had just correctly guessed that ketchup was the number one hamburger topping, at least according to 100 Americans.
When my hitchhiking friend walked in the door, face all aglow with excitement and wonder, my friend Misty on the couch had just said, “I’ve been one of those 100 Americans they’ve surveyed before. They asked me to name an animal that typically mauls skiing humans…” But I was more concerned with my little Family Feud victory dance and the fact that my best friend had just walked in my front door after being M.I.A. for three months.
“Hey there, stranger, where have you been? We’ve sent out about seventeen search parties for you! What were you doing?!”
“Well, about three months ago, I woke up in a Finnish hunting lodge, and ever since then I’ve been hitchhiking my way back here. I just got back five minutes ago!” He seemed more elated than horrified, but this didn’t surprise me, because, as a child, I often found him on his rooftop adorned with homemade wings, trying to be the first true human to fly…always up for an adventure.
“I’ve woken up in a Finnish hunting lodge before,” Misty chimed in.
“Go back to watching Family Feud, Misty. You never leave this house unless someone drops a penny heads-up within five feet of your front door,” I snickered.
“I didn’t know people put mustard on hamburgers,” she blurted, obviously disregarding my last comment.
“Right…” Sam had seemingly forgotten about Misty’s lack of attention span (among other things) during his three month hiatus.
“So, how did you end up in
“Well, the last thing I remember before waking up in
But before I could relive the horrible day of the contest, my mind decided to reverse itself three months in the past to a morning full of rejuvenating sunshine, way before the toothpick-house replica contest: the first morning Sam was found to be missing. The doorbell rang. I was aroused from a nap I had just barely begun because I had spent all night working relentlessly on a toothpick model of a hunting lodge…hmm…The doorbell rang again. I answered the door, and a man in an obnoxious, multi-colored business suit was on the other side of the threshold.
“What can I do for you, sir?” I asked groggily.
“I have a first class shipping bill to deliver to a mister…uh…well, there’s a smudge over the name, but can you see if I have the right house number at least?” He smiled a huge, corny smile and handed me the envelope. There was indeed a smudge on it, but it was obvious that my name had been there at one point.
“Yes, this is the right house. Thank you, sir.” I was puzzled. A first class shipping bill?
“Anytime, sir.” The grotesquely dressed man turned to leave as I shut the door. I began to open the bill when all of a sudden I realized that I had missed the first five minutes of Family Feud. I sat the letter down, barely catching the words “package to
As I channel-surfed in disappointment, I caught a glimpse of the toothpick hunting lodge before me. I had finally finished it! After months and months of work, Sam, our Korean friend Sun Kim, and I would be able to enter all of our hunting lodges into a toothpick-house replica contest.
…Which is why I had called Sun Kim last night in a sleep-deprived frenzy…
“Sun, I’m almost done with mine. When you’re done with yours, you can send Sam the finished hunting lodge and—“
“Wait, what?” he responded as usual. He didn’t know English all too well because he had only lived in
“I said, send him the finished hunting lodge! That’s it! Just do it!” At this hour, I was not patient with Sun’s incomprehension. There was a pause. “Sun, you there?”
“Yes, I here, but I not sure why you want me do such thing!”
He was distraught…odd little kid…always so emotional.
“Sun, if you don’t send him the finished hunting lodge, we’ll lose the contest for sure! My good old neighbor needs some kind of model to look at before he can do his own work. He needs to be inspired. You see—“
“But why such drastic measure? You know how much it cost? I don’t know how!”
Imbecile…
“Sun, trust me…if you send him the finished hunting lodge, we’ll win for sure. Now, I gotta go. Family Feud’s on and I need to finish my replica, too. Goodnight!” I hung up the phone before he could respond.
…But at that moment, the flashback ended. Three months back to the future, I had finally realized what happened…
“Neighbor, I think I said something to Sun that night three months ago that he totally misunderstood.” I paused, completely bewildered, glancing around to see Misty watching Family Feud absentmindedly next to my toothpick version of a hunting lodge (which won 13th place, by the way). “You see, I told him to send you his finished replica of a hunting lodge, but his pseudo-Korean ears must have heard Finnish hunting lodge. He thought I told him to send you to
“It’s okay, from what I can vaguely remember, the shipping box Sun set up for me was really quite comfortable: just the right number of Styrofoam peanuts…of course, I was asleep through the whole thing. Go figure. I wonder why my mother didn’t think it strange that our little Korean friend was throwing me in an oversized shipping box…hmm…” He shrugged.
Misty said something about sending her friend to
“Oh, come on! No one keeps baseball bats in the trunk of their car! What kind of a dufus answer was that, ya moron! First they get three strikes on the hamburger toppings question and now this!” I yelled, now returning my attention to the television. I knew my neighbor had said something, but he usually babbled on for quite a long time if you humored him even for just a second. Besides, it was important that I watched this episode of Family Feud because I had never seen it before…or had I…?
My neighbor left my house unnoticed as the fast money round was approaching a heated climax. The stars were twinkling magnificently in the sky, getting bigger and brighter with every step he took back across the street to his house. As he entered his humble abode, his mother was screaming and whining at the television…something about
Later, in his room, Sam crawled into his bed. Maybe, he thought, he would fall asleep, almost as if amidst tons and tons of Styrofoam peanuts, and wake up in a foreign country. No biggie, it wouldn’t bother him. His life in
Such a great experience coming from such a simple mistake made him ponder momentarily about how silly life really was. The smallest thing goes wrong, like Sun Kim thinking he had to send Sam to
He imagined himself now in a different country. He looked around and tried to find his bearings: easier said than done. It would be quite a trip, he thought to himself. And when he’d return, he’d be able to tell his best friend what hamburger toppings are popular in
THE END
